Last night, while on my way home from work, my husband asked me to dinner so we can talk. He shared with me that he’s scared, scared this isn’t going to work, scared that we will have no daughters, and scared that we will have to go through IVF again.
You see we’ve had this ideal in our head since we started this IVF journey of our family starting our with two of the most lovely twin baby girls–now there is a very real possibility we may only have one or we may have none at all. When Rachel called and told me the news “you have eight genetically normal embryos, honey”-everything faded away, from that moment on it didn’t matter to me whether we have a son or a daughter, in that moment it all become so clear for me; we actually have a shot at this, a chance to be parents to the most wonderful children we could ever imagine.
My husband has battled with anxiety since I’ve known him so for almost 12 years now. The man does not take leaving things to chance very lightly-while he’s gotten so much better over the years being able to adjust to change and get more comfortable exposing himself to new things, IVF has been a whole new battle.
It broke my heart to hear him say he’s scared, that he wants our child to exists so bad and what if our little ones don’t make it, what if I miscarry, could he have done something to prevent it? That’s the reality and the gigantic bitch that is infertility-we don’t know until we try but I’ll be damned if we blame any of this on ourselves. We got put in this situation, we’re doing the very best we can with it and I refuse to let us go backwards into a dark world of blame.
I told him after finishing our egg retrieval that I would never do IVF again, I was wrong. I would go through this a million times over if I had to. I guess some part of that motherly instinct is kicking in already-or it could very well be my stubbornness coming to a head-but I will fight for all of our babies, the ones frozen waiting for us, the ones we are hoping to be able to donate to a family who needs them, the ones we may never meet and the ones that have already rooted themselves so deeply within our hearts.
All I can do is hold my husbands hand and assure him that we can do this, however many times in however many steps-we will beat infertility and one day we will be the parents we have longed to be.